[Fanfic] happily ever after (not really)

[shuufleur93]

Title: happily ever after (not really)
Fandom: Supernatural (TV 2005) 
Word Count: 3795
Type: OS
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Relationships: Benny Lafitte/Sam Winchester
Additional Tags: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Unhappy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Supportive Dean Winchester
Summary: How much loss can one person stand before they break down? It depends, obviously. Sam just wishes to be surprised one day when the person he loves doesn’t die prematurely.
Notes: Written for No True Pair's 8 Character Challenge prompt: September One - 2 & 6 - and they lived happily ever after.
AO3 Link: happily ever after (not really)

Fingers brushed his palm, making him twitch. Sam opened his eyes. He was greeted by Benny’s soft smile.

“Hello, darling. Slept well?”

Sam yawned and stretched, sitting to give Benny a kiss before remembering he probably needed to brush his teeth first. Benny didn’t seem to mind and let him take the lead. Sam grabbed Benny’s shirt and pulled him towards him. The vampire chuckled and wrapped an arm around Sam’s waist to bring him close to him. His skin brushed Benny’s clothes, sending shivers through his body.

Benny broke the kiss and tucked a strand of Sam’s hair behind his ear. Eyes crinkling, Benny asked, “Did you miss me?”

“Always. Do you think we have time for a little something something before Dean comes looking for us?” Sam asked huskily, nipping at Benny’s lips, then mouthing the beard on his cheeks, trailing down to Benny’s neck, where he should have been able to sense his pulse but didn’t.

But Benny’s sigh, his goosebumps, the way he gripped Sam’s waist almost to the point of bruising him definitely made up for it. Benny’s other hand cupped Sam’s hardening length and started stroking him through his underwear. Sam’s breath hitched and he crashed his lips against Benny’s, slipping his tongue into his mouth to deepen the kiss. Benny let him, still making sure Sam was getting harder with deft fingers.

Benny turned and let himself fall on the bed, pulling Sam with him between his legs. Sam gasped in the kiss and started grinding against the vampire, the arousal building, building, building.

“Sammy? You awake?”

Both men freeze.

“Shit.”

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice sounded closer now.

“Yeah, Dean, I’m awake! No need to come in.”

His brother knocked on his door.

“I’ve brought coffee and made breakfast too.”

Sam sighed. Dean always had the perfect timing for cock blocking him. Benny flashed him an apologetic smile then kissed him sweetly.

“I’m sorry, darling,” Benny said, “I need to go.”

“What? Now?”

Benny’s smile turned sad.

“I love you, Sam.”

Like every time Benny said it, Sam’s heart started to race. He was always scared that his heart would sometimes jump out of his chest. Nobody had that kind of power over him. It scared him and made him hopeful at the same time.

“Sammy?”

The door opened. Sam turned to tell his brother off. When he turned to look at Benny, the vampire was gone.

 

Sam wakes up with tears in his eyes and a broken heart.

“Rise and shine, Sammy. I’ve brought coffee,” Dean announces as he enters the room. He puts the coffee cup on the nightstand and sits on the bed.

“How are you feeling today?”

Sam shrugs. Dean presses his lips together for a second.

“I’ve made breakfast. Come eat with me.”

“I’m not hungry,” Sam replies.

“Nope, no way. Come on, get up, get up.”

Sam groans, hiding his face beneath his pillow.

“Dean, let me alone.”

“Nope, you have to get up. Breakfast is going to be cold.”

Dean tugs on the covers until Sam is left without. He glares at his brother from under the pillow.

“Goddamnit, Dean, why did you do that?”

Sam sits, trying to grab the covers and get them back over him.

“Well, now you’re up. Come eat breakfast.”

Sam sighs and gives up. He can’t really compete with Dean when he’s like this.

“I’m not hungry.”

“A drink.”

“Dean—”

“Come on, Sammy, for me.”

Sam grumbles but accepts the cup Dean has brought and drinks a sip under his brother’s watchful eye. It’s comfortably warm, and Sam can drink it all without burning his tongue. He does feel a little bit better, but it doesn’t ease the boulder in his stomach.

“Happy?” Sam says, showing Dean the empty cup.

Dean’s frowning brows ease a bit, but not completely.

“I’ll be happy when you eat with me in the kitchen. You’re way too thin.”

Dean leaves with the empty cup, fully expecting Sam to follow him. Sam sighs again. Dean has been trying to cheer him up for a while. The thing is, Dean doesn’t understand why Sam is so down. He should probably tell him at some point, but the words always get stuck in his throat.

Sam gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom. His face greets him in the mirror; pale, dark circles under the eyes, cheeks thinner than they have ever been, hair that can use a cut and a brush. But what’s worse is his expression. He can’t bear to look at it for too long, it just reminds him of what he has lost.

He splashes water on his face, relieves himself in the toilets, and tentatively brushes his hair. He joins Dean in the kitchen, who beams at him when he sees him.

“Bacon, eggs, sausages. I can make pancakes if you prefer something sweet.” Dean looks so eager, it makes Sam ache.

“There’s more coffee and juice, and I even made tea!” Dean says, showing the teapot.

“Since when do we have tea?” Sam asks, amused despite himself. His brother’s antics always succeed in making him feel better.

“Since yesterday.” Dean shrugs. “Thought this might be a nice change.”

Sam tries to smile as he sits at the table but it’s hard to keep it up. Dean pretends he doesn’t notice and starts to push the food towards Sam. He sucks in a breath. Little by little, Benny had taken over cooking duties when he started to leave in the bunker, which Dean had trouble letting it go. Benny liked to tales, serve and listen to Sam, always attentive, always soft, always there.

 

As soon as they opened the bunker’s door, they could smell garlic, peppers, onion, shrimp, and other mouthwatering aromas Sam couldn’t even recognize. The brothers shared a look as they walked to the kitchen.

As expected, Benny was behind the stove, cooking. Benny turned towards them with a smile.

“Hope you’re hungry, I’ve made some jambalaya.”

‘Some’ meant it was going to last them at least three or four days, and they were good eaters. Benny took it as his mission to feed them as much as possible. Each meal worsened Sam’s guilt for the way he treated Benny for so long. The fact that Benny never acted differently with Sam even when the hunter was explicitly hostile made him a better a man than Sam—for a vampire. The hunter didn’t deserve Benny’s easy forgiveness.

“Good hunt?” Benny asked as he stirred the pot.

“They shouldn’t bother anyone else now,” Dean replied, “Dibs on the shower.”

Before Sam could respond, Dean was gone. Sam shook his head and entered the kitchen.

“Smells good.”

“Do you want to taste?”

Sam opened his mouth to reply but Benny had already taken a spoon to scoop up some sauce from the pot. He gently blew over it then lifted it closer to Sam’s mouth.

“Be careful when you try it, it’s still hot,” Benny warned in a low voice.

Sam smiled, a bit hesitant, butterflies stirring in his stomach. The gesture felt intimate, like Benny and Sam were more than awkward roommates. But Benny’s steady gaze reassured him. He sipped on the sauce. The flavors exploded in his mouth and Sam let out a pleased hum. Benny’s eyes widened slightly, and the hunter felt his cheeks heat.

The vampire cleared his throat and went back to stirring the pan.

“So, what do you think?” Benny asked, voice a little rough, putting the spoon in the sink.

“It’s good. The perfect balance of spicy and sweet.”

Benny smiled, his eyes crinkling.

“I’m glad you like it, darling.”

Sam wasn’t sure if it was the spices in the sauce, or the way Benny was looking at him, or the nickname, but he had the sudden urge to taste his lips.

“I should take a shower,” Sam said after clearing his throat, putting some distance between them.

“Don’t hesitate to come back, I’ve got other things for you to taste.”

Benny’s small smile proved he knew what he said. Dumbfounded, Sam opened his mouth to say something but decided against it and left the kitchen to hopefully get back some control over his body.

 

Sam gets up to put his cup and plate in the dishwasher. Dean is watching him, as he always has done these last few weeks.

“There’s a hunt nearby if you want. People were found dead, their hearts and liver taken out. It’d be a quick in and out.”

Sam wants to say no, pretends he has something else to do. But there’s nothing, nothing he wants to do. He can see that Dean is trying to get him out of this funk, but Sam can’t—doesn’t care—to get out of this funk.

But instead of insisting, Dean waits and keeps watching him calmly until Sam nods.

They leave for the hunt an hour later. The creatures don’t expect them. Dean goes in first, slashes, shoots, burns. Sam follows suit, but he’s less enthusiastic. He steps in when Dean almost gets impaled by one of them. Then it’s done, and they go back to the bunker, and some part of Sam expects Benny to be there, in the kitchen, in the library, somewhere. Cooking. Waiting. Reading. But he’s not. The bunker is empty.

“I think I need to go grocery shopping,” Dean says after they showered, looking inside the fridge. “Do you want to come with?”

“Nah, I need to finish up some reading for Garth.”

“Any special requests?”

Just for you to leave me alone. Sam answers this instead, “Nothing. The usual.”

Dean looks at him a bit too long but relents and does leave. Sam lets out of a breath.

He goes to the library and actually chooses a book that Garth asked him to look into. He’s been putting it off for so long, he’s practically sure Garth has given up on Sam and probably found another way to get the information. Nevertheless, Sam is at least going to try. At least, he would be doing something useful instead of feeling numb.

The smell of books and dust hits him when he enters the library. It’s been a while since he’s been there, and Dean never really bothers to clean the room. Sam goes to the section where the book he’s supposed to read is and looks for it. He lets his fingers run across the rugged spines until he finds the one he wants. He grabs the top of the book and pulls it down to get it out of the row.

Clang

Sam turns—

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Benny smiled at the end of the section, tipping his beret at Sam.

“You didn’t.”

Sam took the book and went back to the table and sat. He opened the book to the index, following the lines with his finger until he found what he was looking for.

Benny was still hovering nearby after Sam started to read.

“Is there something you need?” Sam asked, trying to be as polite as possible, not wanting to show his annoyance at the interruption. Benny and he were finally on good terms. Sometimes it felt like there might be more, but fragile, as if any wrong move from Sam could just shatter everything.

Benny cleared his throat.

“Sorry. I wanted to ask if you were also going out tonight. With Dean?”

“Didn’t plan on it. Want me to get out of your way?”

Maybe Benny had wanted a night to himself, making Sam feel a little guilty for staying home so often. Dean liked to go out anytime he could, but Sam had never been the party boy, and it hadn’t changed since then.

“No, no need. In that case, is there something you’d want to eat tonight?”

Benny smiled more fully now, and Sam’s cheeks heated. He hoped it wasn’t obvious to the other man.

“Oh. Well. Hmm. Whatever is the easiest for you. You know I love everything you cook.”

Benny beamed.

“OK. I have some ideas I can play with.”

“Do you need me to go grocery shopping?”

Sam was already up, marking up the chapter he was reading with a piece of torn paper.

“It’s still pretty early. You can finish up your research. I’ll make you a list.”

Sam nodded. Benny seemed to want to say something else, but he didn’t and left Sam with his books. He wasn’t sure why that disappointed him so much.

 

The tear stains the paper, growing just slightly before it settles. Sam closes the book and pushes his hand against his eyes as if it’s going to stop the other tears from falling. Thank God he’s alone today. He doesn’t want to explain that to Dean. Sam sniffles and wipes away his cheeks, but they keep getting wet, so he lets it happen.

Sam has the urge to get his phone. He opens his message app and goes through the messages. Benny didn’t text a lot; it wasn’t really his thing, a bit too modern for his taste, but he did send a few messages to Sam, notably when Dean and Sam were hunting or when Benny was out on his own hunt.

Sam reads the messages again. They are simple, matter of fact for the most part. Benny never liked saying anything too intimate through texts. He’d rather tell them face to face. Sam regrets not having those kinds of messages on his phone. He would still have a trace of them. Now, all he has left are memories that will fade with time. The last message Benny sent him said he had a surprise for him. A surprise he will never find.

Naively, Sam has thought Benny would be by his side for a while. A vampire that lived through his life, went to Purgatory, twice!, wouldn’t be deterred from living on Earth once again. But the lives of hunters and their loved ones continue to be short-lived… except for the Winchester brothers, who keep on living despite the stakes against them, as if the universe is trying to show them time and time again what it feels like to lose anyone and everyone. Maybe it’s a way to keep things balanced. You wouldn’t want two broken men who go against the most powerful creatures on Earth to have too much confidence, right? You gotta take them down a peg or two.

Well, thank you very much, universe, I didn’t realize my head had gotten so big lately, Sam thinks bitterly.

Sam throws his phone away as a surge of anger shoots through him at the unfairness of it all. It hits the wall in a clatter and falls to the ground. The books follow; some pages fly off, some spines break. Sam turns and punches the metal cabinet. Pain burst in his hand, sharp and unrelenting. He grabs his hand and groans.

Goddamnit. The cabinet is slightly dented now.

Sam tries to move his fingers, and they seem to be working fine, even though his hand has tremors. He hasn’t broken anything, it seems. He goes to the bathroom in search of painkillers, finds them, downs them with water and looks at himself. Just like this morning, he looks like death. He lets out a sigh and  he starts to clean the wound and bandage it. Back to the library, he puts everything back in place. He can’t do anything for the dent apart from washing away the blood, but Dean probably won’t notice it or question its existence.

Sam retrieves his phone and lets out another sigh. The screen is cracked, and he can barely use it to navigate around. He pockets it and goes to his bedroom to replace it with a new one.

Sam sits on the bed then lets himself fall on his back. Maybe he should have gone shopping with Dean. Staying here alone with nothing to do just makes his mind go round and round with the same thoughts, the same regrets, the same memories.

Mentally exhausted, Sam closes his eyes and wishes sleep would swallow him.

 

“Knock, knock,” Benny called at Sam’s door. He was carrying a tray with a plate and water.

“What are you doing?” Sam asked, an unwitting smile on his lips.

“You didn’t come for dinner.”

Benny set the tray on the bed in front of Sam. Sam put down his book.

“You didn’t have to do that. I’m not really hungry.”

Benny’s eyes swept on his shoulder, and even though there wasn’t anything sexual to it, it felt weirdly intimate.

“How the shoulder? Dean told me you’ve dislocated it.”

“Yeah, bad fall.” Sam involuntarily shrugged, making the pain spike up. “It’s fine. It’s just sore right now.”

“Maybe I should come with you on hunts, keep you from hurting yourself,” Benny mused, pushing the tray towards Sam.

“I can handle myself,” Sam replied, a little grouchy, but it wasn’t against the vampire.

“I know. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to be there too. If I can prevent some injuries to you guys, I’m all for it.”

“Maybe the next one,” Sam offered tentatively. “I’m sure Dean wouldn’t have any objection.”

“Good. Now, eat.”

Sam chuckled.

“Yes, sir.”

As Sam ate, Benny stayed with him, a little smile on his face. They talked a bit about the hunt, and as usual, the conversation veered off towards more general topics; music, food, the years Benny spent as a vampire, his life before. Somehow, as they were talking, Benny got closer and sat beside Sam, making their shoulders brush. Sam’s heart skipped a beat and started back again like a jackhammer. As if in response, Benny’s hand moves towards Sam, stopping mere inches away from him.

His gaze directed towards the hunter, Benny covered Sam’s hand with his own. Sam held his breath. Benny didn’t seem willing to make the first step. He was waiting for Sam, watching with careful eyes, his smile gone. So, Sam slowly leaned over towards the vampire, not sure he was doing the sensible thing. He could already hear Dean admonishing him for making another poor decision. But had it stopped him before? Not really.

Sam looked in Benny’s eyes as he lowered his head to meet Benny’s mouth, the touch sending shivers through Sam’s body. Benny let go of his hand to cup his cheek, opening his lips to deepen the kiss. Sam let out of a shuddering sigh at the soft touch, full of a love he hadn’t been expected until now. His heart decided to both fill and break at the same time.

After the kiss, they hadn’t talked about it as if there was nothing to say aloud that hadn’t been said in the kiss.

From that moment on, Sam and Benny always sat side by side when they ate, even though Benny barely ate with them, still a bit self-conscious to drink blood in front of the brothers. If Dean noticed anything, he didn’t say.

Anytime Sam needed to research, Benny was always helping.

Benny started teaching cooking to Sam, and as they went through recipes, Sam realized how much work and patience it needed; and perhaps love as well. How had he ever seen it before?

On hunts, Benny proved an incredible ally, always one step ahead of the monster they were chasing, always the first to shield Sam or Dean, sometimes taking the hits himself. A wink and a smile, and Benny was back on his feet.

Until—

 

Sam opens his eyes, not ready to face that memory. With a sigh, he gets up. He leaves his room and goes back to the kitchen, where he waits for Dean’s return, which doesn’t take long. Dean glances at him and nods. He starts to put groceries away. Sam doesn’t have trouble seeing Benny here either. What used to be Dean’s kingdom became Benny’s in Sam’s mind.

When Dean is done, he turns towards Sam, a serious expression on his face.

“You’re missing him, huh.”

The unexpected sentence springs new tears in Sam’s eyes.

“I do, too,” Dean continues, lowering his head. “I miss him so damn much.” He smiles a little bitterly. “Though, probably not as much as you do.”

For a moment, Sam can only gape at the realization that maybe Dean hasn’t been as clueless as he has believed.

“I’m sorry,” Sam feels compelled to say. He doesn’t really know what he’s apologizing for; his silence, his lies, his state. Dean furrows his brows.

“For what? It wasn’t your fault.”

His breath rattles inside him like he’s an empty can. Dean has unwittingly touched upon what has been weighing on Sam beyond the simple, crushing loss of someone he loves. If it hadn’t been for Sam, Benny wouldn’t have been out there. If it hadn’t been for Sam, Benny would still be alive today.

 

A wink and a smile.

Benny stood tall in front of Sam, teeth out.

The monster lurched, grabbing Benny by the throat.

In less than a second, Benny’s head fell, split from his body, eyes dim and lifeless.

When Sam looked up, the monster stood right in there, ready to kill again. The hunter wasn’t sure he wanted to survive this one.

 

“Sammy, it wasn’t your fault.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“I know. And it’ll feel like shit for a while. But you gotta remember, Benny was his own man, vampire, whatever. He chose to be there. Denying that—”

Dean cuts himself off and takes a breath.

“You know what he said to me?”

Sam shakes his head, not trusting his own voice.

“Staying with us, hunting with us have been the most peaceful he's ever been. He didn’t have to worry. He didn’t have to look over his shoulder. And I think part of it was because of you.”

Maybe Dean should have stayed quiet because it doesn’t make Sam feel better knowing that, it just rips his heart all over again. Dean d grabs his face to force him to look at him. His eyes shine with unshed tears.

“If you gotta cry, cry. If you gotta scream, scream. If you gotta kill that son of a bitch, just say the word, and we’ll go. Just tell me what you want to do, and I’ll support you.”

Sam closes his eyes and thinks about what Benny’s would have preferred. Never would he have recommended vengeance. Once, he told Sam he saw the way hunting weighed on him, and how much he wished he could take it away.

“I don’t know,” Sam replies sincerely, his voice cracking. “I honestly don’t know.”

Dean pulls Sam in a hug.

“I’ll be alright, Sammy. I promise.”

Hopefully, one day, it will.